A Few Zen Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously….

1.. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2.. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3.. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4.. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5.. 99 percent of lawyers (and accountants) give the rest a bad name.
6.. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
7.. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
8.. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
9.. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
10.. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
11.. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
12.. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
13.. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
14.. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
15.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
16.. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
17.. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
18.. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
19.. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
20.. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand…
21.. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
22.. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
23.. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
24.. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
25.. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
26.. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
27.. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
28.. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
29.. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
30.. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
31.. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
32.. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.

… and…

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor…..
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
7. Is there another word for synonym?
8. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
9. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
10. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
11. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
12. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
13. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
14. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
15. How is it possible to have a civil war?
16. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
17. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
18. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
19. Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
20. Why is there an expiry date on sour cream?
21. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
22. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just f—off and leave me alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.

Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.

Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed. Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.